life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
