Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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