I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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