Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize