im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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