..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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