just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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