Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
