I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
