I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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