I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
