No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
