My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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