I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
no, he came in my armpit
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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