i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
