I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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