dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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