Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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