she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
