she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
