Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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