I am puke
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
