Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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