I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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