i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize