If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
