Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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