There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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