mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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