Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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