Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
