forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
