theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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