remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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