Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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