Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
