Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
