It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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