I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
