Dude my mom stole all your condoms
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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