I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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