So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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