Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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