did you get engaged???
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize