I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
