And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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