I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
