closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
