K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
