I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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