Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
