I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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