I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
