I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
