He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
