I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
