I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
