ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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