my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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