allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
