yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
