hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
